Just a diary for myself~~~

Feeling so down these days, I did a bad thing as said by my very own father---I found evidence of him and another woman and these lead to a family breakup and divorce of my own family.

If you ask me what I really would wish for from the coming soon Christmas, I hope for my cheerful-ness. I felt that all of my laughter have been drowned by this divorce. I was told by a lot of people I was naive about matters of life. How I wished I could have been now! Truth hurts really badly and that is even worse when it's someone who loves you dearly who did the unforgivable sin. I lost the most wonderful part of my previous nature officially.

For the past 9 years, I have been trying to be naive about things happening at home, avoiding all accusations my mum have for my dad, siding my dad even when I knew he is flirting outside. I tried my best to pull them together, even to the extent of arranging them to go out every weekend. I was even afraid that they would quarrel if I'm not around. Making a point to be with them even if it's after a whole day's filming. That didn't work at all.

3 years ago, I brought them to the legal aid bureau for their divorce because I knew it will not be successful as both parties still hold feelings for each other. But my dad never learns. He still lands us in this broken family in the end. Why did I have to be the one who found all the evidence? Why did he even created them in the first place? Why can't he even stop when he saw the red light in his marriage and family?

I am thankful for all his upbringing over the many years, which gave me the chance to once be naive, to once be cheerful, to be what I am today. But is this what he need to patch back this family? No. Only his sincere apologies will help now. Which I doubt. A man's biggest failure is not when his wife decides to leave him, but it's when his children lost all hopes about him. Why can't he even think of us, his children, when he was flirting around?

Feel really bad about my mum as well. After the divorce, she will be all lonely by herself in her pending old age. Though she is naggy, like any other married woman, she is definitely a good wife who endures hardship with her husband and a good mother who takes meticulous care for her children. What has she done to suffer all this now? Felt really sad when she told me she still love my dad even when she knew about all these. But that love did not change her decision when she saw my dad's never-admit-wrong attitude.

Really hope all this guilt of mine clear up soon when they are divorced as I will be with my mum and brothers. We should be going for another new but unknown life after that.

Wish myself all the best in this!